I've been staring at it for weeks, even daring to open it on a few occasions. Is it time to sort it out ? Jane isn't coming back so why is this going to be so hard... because its the last physical thing I have left to remind me of her. All her clothes hang there quietly expecting her return, each one with a different memory of a place, a holiday, a special occasion when it was worn last.
I start on the smaller items. Underwear, tops, trousers and shorts are all pulled out, neatly folded and placed in pile on the bed. Even these have their history as it was hard to stop the tears. Then the shoes. Unlike a lot of women, Jane wasn't that big on shoes. As long as they were comfy and slightly stylish that was enough and she just stuck to a couple of pairs thank goodness so it wasn't long before these were bagged up. I kept her favourite slippers, they are stopping with me.
I look at the bags filled with Janes' clothes and instantly feel as if I am betraying her in some way. Throwing all her things away as if she never existed... God, why is this so hard. I'm joined by Catherine who choses a couple of her moms' tops for herself which cheers me up.
I look at the gaps on the shelves caused by my activities and that horrible sence of loss descends again. I fill the gaps with bed linen and feel a bit better. I look at the larger items hanging in a neat line and decide to call it a day. Enough was enough they can stay there until I'm ready.
I took the bags to the local St Marys Hospice Charity shop, nodded at the lady, dropped the bags and scuttled out not daring to look back.
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I know how you are feeling. I lost my common-law husband 6 years ago. I had a hard time dealing with his things, my mom had to do it for me. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteDear Martin, It is all part of the letting go process, it is so so hard though. Glad that you have kept Janes slippers. They can sit alongside yours and she will always be there..
ReplyDeleteI just had to keep one of my Mothers handbags as it smells of her pefume even after 17 years I still occasionally just have to have a wee hug of it..
Love and God Bless Sybil xx
it's nice that
ReplyDeleteyou and Catherine
kept a few
of Jane's personal
items
It is very difficult to let go, but let go you must. I know how hard that is. However, you did well by not throwing everything away.
ReplyDeleteWell done Martin not a task anyone would envy you with but I'm sure Jane was nodding and saying 'yes Martin let it go and do some good elsewhere'. Her memory will forever be within your heart you don't need physical reminders. So pleased to see you are blogging and with a sense of humour too, seems Jane rubbed off on you more than you realise! Loved the holiday blog and yes holiday time in summer can be busy busy busy. Jackie xx
ReplyDeleteim sorry martin.but it had to be done.you take care,mort
ReplyDeletewell done Martin - a tough job but you've handled it wonderfully, and good on you to take Jane's things to the hospice charity - a nice way to quietly thank all the wonderful people who help patients and families make peace with things. take good care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat must have been so hard. I think it was nice to just do as much as you felt you handle right then. And at least you know that what you've donated is going to be appreciated by someone who may really need it.
ReplyDeleteIm just catching up with blogs here,Ive been so busy time has flown honestly.My father passed away on 10/10/2008 and I still have most of his clothes,I think what you have done is very brave but a good move forward with grief,youre not forgetting Jane,but others will enjoy her clothes,it would have been a shame to just throw them away and she would have agreed with your decision,but I know its hard,I cant comment having so many of my Dads clothes here,its just too painful.xx
ReplyDeleteso happy to be reading about your life martin...I had promised jane I would check in on you..she must be well naffed it took me this long to find your blog again.. xx
ReplyDelete