Wednesday, 16 June 2010

I Know....

I know that Jane's quality of life in her last few weeks was poor with almost nil mobility and a daily procession of well meaning carers coming into the house to wash, toilet and even just move her.
I know that she was terrible amounts of pain, a lot more pain than she even lot on to me.
I know that one of the last things she said to me after the third lot of carers that day, was ," God Martin, I hope this doesn't go on for much longer for both our sakes."
I know all these things and that her death was a release for her BUT.... at this precise moment if I could have her back, I would.

My brain has managed to block out those terrible last few weeks and concentrates on happy, healthy Jane, laughing and joking and ever present in the kitchen, baking and cooking our favourite cakes and sunday roasts. This in some ways makes things worse as the loss seems far greater as it is not marred by thoughts of ' Well she is out of pain now, no more suffering.'

I know things will ease over time, but just at moments things are very hard.

I picked up Jane's ashes yesterday... In July they will be sprinkled on a small beach in Woolacombe where we spent many happy family holidays. Where shall I put them until then ?


  1. I'm happy to read that you are remembering Jane with smiles and not going over those last weeks and days Martin.
    It sounded as though you had great times in the kitchen together so why not place her there in pride of place on the windowsill? You will be reminded of her more often but I'm sure she will feel closer to you in there. Not somewhere out of the way so as not to be reminded.
    The days are long...I know. You are doing admirably with your journal. There will always be one of your fellow journallers here to help you through it all. Keep posting.
    Take care...

    I find this poem special at times like these. I hope you do too.

    Remember by Christina Rossetti

    Remember me when I am gone away,
    Gone far away into the silent land;
    When you can no more hold me by the hand,
    Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
    Remember me when no more day by day
    You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
    Only remember me; you understand
    It will be late to counsel then or pray.
    Yet if you should forget me for a while
    And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
    For if the darkness and corruption leave
    A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
    Better by far you should forget and smile
    Than that you should remember and be sad.

    God bless you and your family Martin.

  2. Hello Martin,
    I think the kitchen is a fine place for Jane to rest awhile. Then you need to make a plan for her journey to woolacombe, a picnic and a game of cricket on the sands before scattering her ashes. Remember the good times Martin the bad will all blur into one.
    I remember woolacombe getting stopped by a ranger of some sort for riding John's motorbike across the sands taking a short cut not sure where to now... a happy memory for us.
    It won't be easy for any of you right now, but time really does heal, take each day as it comes, the nights will always feel worse just now. Tell us more of how you get through the day, what did you cook for dinner, how is the garden fairing, what are the 'kids' doing? blog it Martin it will help. If things seem lost and it's really hard then go bash some golf balls, Jane always spoke of your love of golf, it would be a great tension reliever.
    Thinking of you daily and sending hugs.
    Jackie xx

  3. well thats 3 votes for the kitchen martin,i am sure jane was in her element there,and its a lovely poem jeannie left.the other 2 friends have said most of what i was going to say,blogging does help martin.and we all wish you would carry on,nothing relieves the pain of loss but time does heal the bad memories,letting the good ones come to the take care,all the best mort.

  4. Martin, thank you for keeping up with us all. I am sure in time you will be able t look back and know that we are all here to help...It will be a veryhard trip down to Woolacombe but one that you will be able to do with love..Till then as Jackie suggests maybe a few days ball bashing on the golf course might help,
    much love Sybil

  5. It seems a very easy thing to say but i can only echo what others have already said.


  6. Martin think of the happy family times and cry for them, these are the times you want back,Jane knew there was only one way forward to find peace and freedom from pain,of course you want her back she was your life,that love that bound you will never be cut so rest in that,let Jane rest a while in a place that will bring you comfort.,and just let your tears flow and know she is not far away and knows your pain

  7. Hi Martin,
    Agree with Mort and others that the kitchen would be the place for Jane's ashes.
    Take it easy, one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.
    Thinking of you.

  8. you are doing remarkably well Martin - this is the time to take care of you, so I hope you are doing that. I'm sure Jane would love to be perched on the windowsill in the kitchen, or beside your favourite chair where she'll have the benefit of your company, and vice versa. Keep remembering those good memories and smile and chuckle and chat with her when you feel the need - but let yourself feel those sad moments too - if you don't, you'll never be able to set them aside. hugs to you from across the pond, as always.

  9. Hi Martin, I believe the kitchen would be the place to keep Jane's ashes. I'm sure you must go through so many different emotions throughtout the day, one day at a time is all you can do for now and remember to take good care of yourself. Linda xx

  10. Martin I have just happened upon this blog and I would like to offer you my deepest sympathy as you mourn the loss of your beloved Jane.
    Having lost both my husband and my son I have learned to ask them to guide me in decision making. Surprisingly, it often works so it could be interesting to ask Jane where she would like to see her cremated remains placed for the time being.
    I have also set up a memorial web site so you may be interested to learn more of Memory-of and also Angel Families Online.
    May you find peace in your treasured memories.

  11. Martin just wanted to share the words of this song which was written by the friend of my son Jeremy shortly after his passing.
    The writer [Rod] attributes the words to Jeremy. I believe they have meaning for all that have lost a loved one.
    'the bell is tolling my time has come an now i have to go
    you saw me live with the light of the sun in all the places we would go

    goodbye my friend goodbye

    i tried to tell you for all through the years let nothing come between
    they say that friends may come and go but friends never really leave

    goodbye my friend goodbye
    dont you cry my friend dont cry

    let the child inside of yourself feel everything you see
    share your dream with somebody else an we can all share the same dream

    good bye my friends good bye, dont you cry my friends dont cry
    good bye my friends good bye, dont you cry my friends dont cry

    time will come when you lose all the tears but my memory still remains
    think of the time that we shared together an we can be together again

  12. Hi Martin. Some lovely comments and poems on this page. The Kitchen sounds a great place but follow your instinct, It will tell you. I am so pleased to hear that Woolacombe is the chosen place for Jane to rest. I worked in a hotel there years ago and it is simply Beautiful and very fitting for such a Beautiful lady. I had to stay off the blog for a bit as I couldn't cope with Jane gone. I had it easy. I have now read the funeral entry and it sounded like a perfect day for her. I miss her so much, my heart aches for you Martin as I couldn't possibly comprehend what you are going through on your own journey. As always, I am always here for you anytime. Sending Huge cuddles and loads of Love to you and your wonderful family. Pam.x

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  14. In tears we saw you sinking
    We watched you fade away
    Our hearts were almost broken
    You fought so hard to stay
    But when we saw you sleeping
    So peacefully free from pain
    We could not wish you back again
    To suffer that again

    Good Luck to you all

  15. Hello Martin just wanted to know we're all still here for you and thinking of you and the family.
    Have a good father's day!
    Jackie x

  16. Hi Martin,
    Please go to my blog post from
    Sunday, June 20, 2010
    and collect your
    You Are Beautiful Blogger Award.
    "A Beautiful Blogger is someone who blogs with truth, honesty and integrity. They blog from their heart, sharing their story, humor, and life with others. They go out of their way to support others, giving of themselves to provide encouragement and brighten someone’s day. They glow with a beauty that comes from within, and it shows in what they write and how they interact with others."