I know that Jane's quality of life in her last few weeks was poor with almost nil mobility and a daily procession of well meaning carers coming into the house to wash, toilet and even just move her.
I know that she was terrible amounts of pain, a lot more pain than she even lot on to me.
I know that one of the last things she said to me after the third lot of carers that day, was ," God Martin, I hope this doesn't go on for much longer for both our sakes."
I know all these things and that her death was a release for her BUT.... at this precise moment if I could have her back, I would.
My brain has managed to block out those terrible last few weeks and concentrates on happy, healthy Jane, laughing and joking and ever present in the kitchen, baking and cooking our favourite cakes and sunday roasts. This in some ways makes things worse as the loss seems far greater as it is not marred by thoughts of ' Well she is out of pain now, no more suffering.'
I know things will ease over time, but just at moments things are very hard.
I picked up Jane's ashes yesterday... In July they will be sprinkled on a small beach in Woolacombe where we spent many happy family holidays. Where shall I put them until then ?