Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Its been a month

Do you know, even right up to the very end, I didn't ever think that Jane would die from her decease. I had every confidence that she would get over anything that it threw at her such was her fighting ability. I always used to say to her that all her vital organs were clear so I think you've got nothing to worry about. She used to smile at me.
It wasn't until I read her blog from beginning to end that I saw the gradual decline in her health. Going through it with her, it didn't seem to register how poorly she was getting, I just went into automatic pilot, fetching & carrying, trips to Dr's, hospitals, hospices without ever realizing that she was getting worse. Even when she lost the use of her legs I thought that it was a temporary set back and that with a bit of work we could get her mobile again.
I have had plenty of time now to think about it and realize that I was just hiding from what was happening in front of me. I just didn't want to think about it, Jane would be here for years yet and we can grow old together. This is probably why her death was a big shock to me and why I'm still having a hard time coping.
I know a lot of people are encouraging me to do lots of things, go play more golf, go out on your bike, go out with some friends. I do all those things but then have terrible feelings of guilt that I have been enjoying myself. Is this normal ?
Anyway, I sprinkled some of Jane's ashes around the garden and allotment just so she can be close to us. Her brother Mathew and his family are coming back over in August so we can all go down to Devon and leave her at rest on her shell beach.


  1. Those milestones, Martin. I know all about it, and who doesn't, that has lost a loved one. As you are dealing with the disease, you have hung on to all the straws of positivity, right to the very end. But from afar, it was clear what was happening.

    No point feeling bad about enjoying yourself now; you would have been justified feeling guilty if you had been out carousing during Jane's illness. But enjoy yourself now.

  2. martin,you have no need to feel guilt,you did all you could for do some good for youself.jane would be heartbroken to know you feel guilty in having some enjoyment in life.nice idea in spreading some of jane around the garden.she would approve.take care,mort

  3. When you have lost someone so very close as you have Martin, the truism that life goes on cannot do other than make the grieving one doing the going on feel guilty about the one left behind. The unavoidable truth tho, except for the very unfortunate who never revover any happiness, is that life does go on and it's right that it should. You know that Jane would hope and expect you to begin picking up the threads again and doing all you can to keep yourself going. Go out, exercise, eat well and enjoy the company of friends. To do less would be a diminishment of life - and what would Jane have to say about that!

  4. what is normal
    with this crazy
    thing we call

  5. Martin, Grief has so many twists and turns, but accepting that what you feel is normal will help you pass through this phase and move on. Jane would not let you feel this guilt and let it hold you back, once you can accept that you are NORMAL in feeling as you do now, then you will be able to let it go and move on. xxx

  6. I agree with Mort,guilt is a bad thing,it spreads like a disease my love,into every aspect of your life.Jane wanted you to live,live a life,not stop.She would cry to see you feel this way,yes you read her blog and noticed her decline,but read it again,the spirit,the love of life,the determination to get every ounce out of every day.Start slowly,no one expects anything of you at all,ignore what people say,or you think they will say more-over,about you enjoying yourself,Jane is with you,so when youre out on your bike imagine shes there riding pinion,the wind in her hair,laughing,how lovely.xx

  7. Hello Martin, just loosing someone so close makes you feel guilty. As for carrying on without them - well do as your heart tells you, if you want to wallow in your grief then do it, you'll come up for air when you need to, and when the grief starts to subside you will want to do things. As you have heard many times i am sure, it all takes time.
    Big Luv
    Jaynee X

  8. Hi Martin,
    I agree with Mort guilt is not good for you.
    Enjoy when and what you can sure Jane would want you to have a good life.

  9. Martin - I lost my TJ last October and I know those feelings all too well. Although it is easier said than are not the one who is OK for you to go on with your life & Jane would want you to. Try to get over the guilt as hard as it is and begin to re-learn to enjoy your different life now, because although things will never be the same you can learn to live with the "new normal".