Do you know, even right up to the very end, I didn't ever think that Jane would die from her decease. I had every confidence that she would get over anything that it threw at her such was her fighting ability. I always used to say to her that all her vital organs were clear so I think you've got nothing to worry about. She used to smile at me.
It wasn't until I read her blog from beginning to end that I saw the gradual decline in her health. Going through it with her, it didn't seem to register how poorly she was getting, I just went into automatic pilot, fetching & carrying, trips to Dr's, hospitals, hospices without ever realizing that she was getting worse. Even when she lost the use of her legs I thought that it was a temporary set back and that with a bit of work we could get her mobile again.
I have had plenty of time now to think about it and realize that I was just hiding from what was happening in front of me. I just didn't want to think about it, Jane would be here for years yet and we can grow old together. This is probably why her death was a big shock to me and why I'm still having a hard time coping.
I know a lot of people are encouraging me to do lots of things, go play more golf, go out on your bike, go out with some friends. I do all those things but then have terrible feelings of guilt that I have been enjoying myself. Is this normal ?
Anyway, I sprinkled some of Jane's ashes around the garden and allotment just so she can be close to us. Her brother Mathew and his family are coming back over in August so we can all go down to Devon and leave her at rest on her shell beach.